February was a hard month. The Parkland school shooting and the unrelenting bizarre news from the White House made my twitter feed more serious than usual. I’m now following some of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas student activists, as well as the US Olympic figure skaters and a few more authors. I’m still relying on Swear Trek for laughs, which gives this post a PG rating. These begin after the “continue reading” link.
Note: several of these are screen captures instead of links to the tweets, to make them easier to read.
These students just found out they all got tickets to see Black Panther. It's LIT 🔥🔥
(via FB: Ron Clark Academy) pic.twitter.com/98Am1xQEex
— BET (@BET) February 2, 2018
Charles, a Koch brother in Wichita, said he was pleasantly surprised that his pay went up $26,923,076 a week… he said [that] will more than cover the cost of buying several more Paul Ryans. pic.twitter.com/pyNYDtTUGw
— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) February 3, 2018
I did not watch the game but NPR told me who won via a phone notification so that makes me fancy.
— Courtney (@_courteroy) February 5, 2018
— Renee Gartner (@renee_gartner) February 1, 2018
Data has been reading the comments again pic.twitter.com/1PdtXDCT6f
— Swear Trek (@swear_trek) February 6, 2018
A picture of me communicating with customer service at my cable company pic.twitter.com/bOfFJdEMck
— Darren Hayes (@darrenhayes) February 7, 2018
So, yeah, about that.
I put in my two weeks notice.
I work at Montana Department of Labor.
There were going to be ICE subpoenas for information that would end up being used to hunt down & deport undocumented workers. https://t.co/TqBBjPDmNa
— Jordon Dyrdahl-Roberts (@dyrbert) February 8, 2018
— Katy Andersen (@KatyAndNews) February 7, 2018
you're never really "alone on valentine's day" if you think about all the parasitic microorganisms cohabitating your corporeal meat vessel
— Colin J. Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) February 11, 2018
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) February 11, 2018
“I didn’t realize babies come with hats.”
-Toby Ziegler, The West Wing pic.twitter.com/OhoYQI3JYY
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) February 13, 2018
The same people that said 13 and 14 year olds were perfectly mature enough to date Roy Moore are now saying 17 and 18 year olds are too immature to have opinions on gun control.
— Nicole (@NicoleK8686) February 19, 2018
"Morning, how was your weekend?" pic.twitter.com/NJ8Qx4tjwR
— Dave Harland (@wordmancopy) February 23, 2018
The entire point of the Simpsons is that Homer is a walking example of what not to do and Lisa is the voice of reason. Ted Cruz is the least self-aware organism on the planet. pic.twitter.com/giiuUz8sOK
— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) February 22, 2018
As a teacher, I knocked myself out headbutting ceiling pretending to be a particle, star-jumping off a desk.
I've set my arm on fire when lit ethanol trickled down sleeve, from my hand.
I've burnt my ear listening if gas was coming out of a bunsen.
Please don't give me a gun.
— Philip Clarke (@ClarkePhil) February 22, 2018
You know, when I said I wanted the real world to be more like Harry Potter I just meant the teleportation and the magic stuff, not the entire plot of book 5 where the government refuses to do anything about a deadly threat so the teenagers have to rise up and fight back.
— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) February 22, 2018
I've watched this GIF at least 100 times now, cry-laughing the entire time. pic.twitter.com/Hih7VJe28T
— Helen 侯-Sandí (@helenhousandi) February 23, 2018
ROBIN: You didn't name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
BATMAN: OK, yes, there's batshampoo
BATMAN: But there's also conditioner gordon
— Lucas Landherr (@danteshepherd) February 24, 2018
2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them
— Rebecca Caprara (@RebeccaCaprara) February 23, 2018
Two weeks ago, at opening ceremonies, we met and a friendship began. Today, at closing ceremonies, it ends. @Adaripp, please stop calling me. You're honestly starting to get v clingy and I can't anymore. pic.twitter.com/h9GArWda9b
— Gus Kenworthy (@guskenworthy) February 25, 2018
The response of a woman called Carole, whose nurse told her at her age she should have a bar in the shower. pic.twitter.com/xKb7nqNQid
— Pádraig Belton (@PadraigBelton) February 26, 2018
London: SNOW CHAOS HOW DO WE
Meanwhile in Finland: pic.twitter.com/ovL928K5Dx
— Jani Eväkallio (@jevakallio) February 26, 2018
What's the one Oscars upset you desperately want to have happen? You will NEVER guess mine. pic.twitter.com/gJKdKMdsfd
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) February 26, 2018
The guy who won't take a raindrop for his own kid is going to take a bullet for someone else's kid? pic.twitter.com/JFyeRj0KT8
— JackiSchechner (@JackiSchechner) February 26, 2018
So I just read Chris Pratt’s tweet to Kevin Smith saying he would pray for him & made the mistake of reading the comments, many of which go off on Chris for saying he’d pray. I think people misunderstand the backlash against “thoughts & prayers.” (thread)
— James Gunn (@JamesGunn) February 26, 2018
Time actually flies whether you’re having fun, not having fun, or just ambling about like a twat. https://t.co/0TZv25s7VA
— Rufus Sewell (@FredrikSewell) February 27, 2018
difficult to know what to say really pic.twitter.com/74Z3cb42Qw
— Hannah Jane Parkinson (@ladyhaja) February 28, 2018
Should be soon — the incubation period for lizard eggs is 4 to 8 weeks.https://t.co/Lxi62W4sy4
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 1, 2018